5 outils puissants pour traverser de telles étapes.
« Au lieu de vous demander quand seront vos prochaines vacances, peut-être que vous devriez construire une vie dans laquelle vous n’avez pas besoin de vous échapper ? »
Etant légèrement grippé ce week-end, j’ai été chercher plus aisément l’inspiration auprès d’un podcast gratuit reçu cette semaine (en anglais) dont je vais résumer les quelques éléments importants pour celles et ceux qui peinent avec la langue de Shakespeare : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39G2y-8QdUo et je mets la totalité du texte de la vidéo au fond de ce message.
Robin Sharma propose 5 outils (les 5 « ings » comme il les appelle) pour surmonter, dépasser la douleur inhérente à toute vie. Ce n’est évidemment exhaustif mais, ils sont empreints de bon sens et, en tout cas pour moi, relativement aisément applicable en cas de nécessité. Et, personnellement, j’aime bien utiliser ce type d’outils et me les approprier aussi lorsque la douleur n’est pas présente dans ma Vie ; ce qui fait qu’il m’est plus facile de me rappeler qu’ils sont à ma disposition lorsque je peux vraiment en avoir besoin et de les utiliser aisément car je les maîtrise.
Tenir un journal (Journaling)
La tenue d’un journal, lors de moments délicats, permet de poser ce qui se passe en soi, mentalement, émotionnellement, physiquement. Idéalement sans juger. Souvent sans nécessité de relire quoi que ce soit. Ce que j’ai expérimenté c’est que cette écriture permet souvent de juste laisser sortir et s’exprimer ses contradictions ou clartés intérieures, parfois de comprendre ce qui se joue en soi mais permet surtout d’éviter de soit ignorer/refouler complètement la douleur ou d’y rester totalement plongé sans bouger. Ces dernières années, des grosses difficultés de mes étapes de vie se sont résolues presque naturellement après 2 ou 3 mois d’écriture. Sans que je sache pourquoi, ni ne puisse comprendre ce qui s’était passé.
En effet collatéral pour moi, j’ai écrit mon premier livre ainsi, le second livre que j’écris actuellement est inspiré de ces journaux et j’avais aussi débuté un roman avec certains de ces écrits.
L’intérêt ici est de pouvoir parler de sa douleur avec quelqu’un de grande confiance, quelqu’un qui évitera le jugement et qui encouragera la recherche de l’opportunité qui se cache derrière la douleur vécue. Nous sommes bien loin ici du partage à tout va sous forme de plainte et dans une attitude de victime que nous percevons souvent : ce type de discours ne cherche aucunement à entendre des pistes pour surmonter la difficulté mais s’attache plutôt à déverser une attitude jugeante ou de victime.
Communion avec la Nature (Communing)
Beaucoup de mes billets sont inspirés de cette communion. Je ne m’y attarderai pas. Simplement pour dire que l’intelligence de la Nature qui transparaît à chaque pas dans ces moments de communion ne peut qu’élargir vos perceptions par rapport à ce que vous vivez.
Se mettre en mouvement (Moving)
Robin insiste ici sur l’importance de se mettre en mouvement idéalement avec une activité physique qui ancre en vous le mouvement vers une autre situation.
Se reposer (Resting)
Cette pratique est souvent bien éloignée de ce que nous entendons souvent aujourd’hui : bosse encore plus, fait, réalise, mets encore plus ta tête dans le guidon, etc !!. N’avez-vous pas déjà expérimenté que la créativité et l’ouverture nécessaires pour aller vers de nouvelles opportunités arrivent de manière bien plus fluide, aisée, inspirée et durable lorsqu’elles naissent dans des moments de calme et de quiétude ? Moments difficilement atteignables lorsque nous évoluons dans un « faire » effréné. Pour moi, cette pratique est la moins « naturelle » à accomplir.
Bonne semaine en espérant que vous pourrez expérimenter, si vous ne le faites pas déjà, l’un ou l’autre de ces outils.
Jean-Pierre Rey, le 7 février 2016
Powerful Tools to Overcome Pain
I’ve wanted to record this Mastery Session for a long time. It’s called “Powerful Tools to Overcome Pain.” What I want to do in this session is really walk you through the tools I’ve used in my own life to get through very difficult times. Perhaps sometime I’m going to write a book on this, because I think it would help a lot of people. I’ve got these tools that I’ve developed and that I’ve optimized and iterated during the times of my life that I was in darkness, during the times of my life that I was confused, during the times of my life where my heart hurt, during the times of my life that I’ve been in emotional pain. You might see me on stages or watch my videos across all the different social platforms, and you might fall into the seduction of thinking that my life is constantly beautiful and I’m always on fire with my craft and to serve, but the reality is of course I’m a human being.
The very nature of the human experience in our journey together is that we do have times on the summit of success, and I have been on that summit of success, and we have times walking through the valley of darkness, and I’ve been through those times in the darkness. I have the scars to show you, but one thing I’ve learned is the man I am right now with you in this session is not a result so much of my times on the mountaintop. The man I am with you right now, as I speak with as much authenticity as I know how to share is the result of my times in the valley of darkness. Really, that’s an insight. If you’re going through a divorce right now, if you’re going through a financial problem right now, if you’re going through an illness right now, if you’re going through any form of crisis right now…You might not even want to get out of bed in the morning, it might be that bad. Please remember this: crisis comes to serve the person who wants to use it as fuel.
You have a choice. You can be a victim and you let it break you, or you can actually ask yourself, “How can I use this time in darkness, which will not last?”, because you know those dark times never last. The real question is, “How can I leverage the pain? How can I leverage the darkness? How can I leverage the heartbreak so it grows me, so it makes me stronger, so it makes me wiser, so it allows me to tap into the greatest virtues of humanity,” so that you shift from being the person you once were before the crisis to a whole new level of wow? I want to share with you; I’ve gone through a divorce, and I’ve gone through some very painful times. During those times, they were messy. I got off my game at times, and during those times I was confused, but more than anything else during those times, I felt pain. How did I get through those times and how did I navigate the shadows?
Well, here are the tools I want to share with you:
#1 - Journaling
Journaling has saved my life. For hundreds and hundreds of years, people in pain have pulled out a fresh blank piece of paper and poured their pain onto the written page. Now there’s science coming out. Science is actually saying when you journal about what’s good in your life even when you feel like nothing’s good in your life, you actually release all these neurotransmitters, which make you feel better. You’ve heard me say this before, perhaps: gratitude is the antidote to pain. Journaling, where you process through your pain. The worst thing you can do is what society suggests that you do; escape, get busy, forget about it, lose yourself in work. Of course you have to work. Of course you have to show up. Your team needs you. Life needs you. Your family needs you. Life is for the living.
I got it, but I don’t believe that the answer to get through your pain is to escape in your pain, and too many people do that. I’ve read the books that say to do that. You can’t motivate yourself out of heartbreak. You’ve got to feel yourself through the heartbreak. I think it’s that old Alanis Morissette song, “The Quickest Way Out Is In,” and the wisest amongst us get that, but most people don’t. They literally numb themselves to the pain, and then they wonder why, five years later, they have a heart attack. Ten years later, they end up with cancer. Journaling allows you to process through the pain. There are gifts in pain. There is glory in pain. That’s how you develop the bravery. That’s how you develop the humanity. When I’ve gone through the most difficult times that I’m in pain, I use it as a servant, and it makes me humble. When the ego starts screaming, pain shuts down that ego pretty quickly.
When you look at the greatest amongst us, they have endured the most suffering. Suffering’s not a bad thing. Suffering is an awesome thing. The world says to us, it puts a label on suffering, but you’re going to get better if you use suffering to your advantage. Journaling is a tool where you actually get the process through the pain. Write about your heartbreak or write about your confusion or write about your hurt or write about your misunderstanding. Write about the fact that you think it’s never going to end. Write about your blessings or write about your talents. Write about what’s good in your life, because even in the worst-feeling life, you have daylight and you want to focus on that daylight.
I probably will do another Mastery Session on why to journal and how I journal, but just right now the bottom line is this: install the ritual of journaling every single day and write what comes to you and write as long as you need to. When I’ve gone through the dark valleys of my difficult times, seriously, I’ve written for hours. I’ve filled 300-pages…I want to be always honest…I think 250 or 300 pages in the black journals I write in. I’ve written through those in just a few weeks, because I’m trying to get the pain out. I’m trying to get the confusion out. I’m trying to get the growth out.
#2 - Talking
Let’s call these tools the five “ings” of overcoming your pain. The first “ing” is journaling. The second “ing” is talking. There’s science coming out, research coming out now, that says when you talk about your pain, you release the energy the pain had that was within you. What do people do? Again, they stuff down their pain, and then they wonder why they get ill, but it’s because all of that emotional energy was stuffed down into the unconscious. What you really want to do is, tool number two, “ing” number two, after journaling, is talking. Find a trusted advisor. Find a great friend. In difficult times, you get to understand who your greatest friends truly are. When I’ve gone through difficult times, some of the people I’ve thought were my greatest friends, not intentionally, but they were busy in their own lives when I most needed them. Find that friend who you can talk to and really open yourself up to and take down that social mask, because talking allows you to release that emotional pain and move through that emotional pain so you do not repress that emotional pain.
You know what? It’s not only illness that repression and suppression causes. You block your creativity. You block your humanity. You contract your heart. You close your mind when you take all of that pain and you pretend it’s not there, because guess what? It is there. One of the reasons there is so much anger out on the streets, one of the reasons there’s so much toxicity in the workplace is because of people who repress the pain, and they think it’s not there because they don’t feel it because they’ve escaped from it, but it’s in their subconscious.
#3 - Communing
The third “ing” of overcoming your pain and using it as a fuel and to your advantage…isn’t that a cool idea, using your pain as a fuel and to your advantage? Can you imagine who we would become in business and as creative people and productive people and as leaders in the world if we had a mindset and a core belief that pain is a leverage point to world-class? Anyway, that’s another Mastery Session. The third “ing” is communing. When I am going through my most painful times, I run to the woods. I run to nature. My house is filled with flowers. I do one-hour nature walks every day when I’m going through my most difficult times, because sometimes when I’m going through the hardest times I don’t feel like doing the run. It’s a soft time of life. It’s a subtle time of life. I’ve learned to be gentle with myself, even though I am an A-Player.
Nature allows me to commune with the beauty of life. I walk and I breathe. What does breathing do to move you through the fear of frightening times? What does that do to your neurobiology? Communing with nature is a great tool when you’re going through your most difficult time. It allows you to think. It allows you perspective. That word, perspective. You know what? This won’t matter two years from now. You know what? It’s going to serve me. You know what? I have a million blessings, and I’m focusing on the five difficult things right now. Perspective comes from communing with nature. Actually, here’s what I really want to say to you. You are a part of a larger cosmos, whether you know it or not. Communing with nature allows you not to see the bars of the prison cell but the stars of the universe. If you can connect with those every day, my dear friend, you will use your pain as an instrument for your greatest growth.
#4 - Moving
The fourth “ing” of moving through your pain is moving. You don’t have to move streets. I’m not saying move cities. Actually, going through difficult times, you might actually say, “I’m going to leave New York, and I’m going to go live in Tokyo,” and that could be fine. When I say “moving,” I’m really talking about the importance of exercise. Get off the couch, even when you don’t feel like getting off the couch and go for the walk, go to the yoga class, go for the run. Lots of research says when you find a peer group of people who are doing the thing you want to do, it’s the greatest way to sustain the new habit of doing what you want to do. So get to the gym, schedule the classes. Maybe it’s boxing. Maybe it’s tai chi. Maybe it’s yoga, but moving will shift your psychology, shift your neurobiology, shift your metabolic rate, release the dopamine that is a motivational neurotransmitter so that even when you are feeling your suffering and can’t do world-class, you start to develop the insight and the interior life that gets you moving back into the world.
#5 - Resting
The final “ing”, tool number five to move through your valleys of darkness back into the starlight of world class, because you know as you’re going through a difficult time right now, I promise you, I assure you, the clouds will lift. There is sunlight above the clouds. You’re just looking at the clouds right now, and they will lift, and crisis has come to teach you the big lesson you’re meant to learn to move to your next level in the next chapter of your greatest life. There is an invisible hand at play, whether you feel it or not. Maybe I am the servant of information to remind you in this moment right now, what you’re experiencing doesn’t feel good, but it is good. There is a power within you that is navigating you through your life that is allowing you the opportunity to learn from what you’re experiencing, and it will serve you so well.
That brings me to my fifth “ing” in terms of a tool to go from where you now are to where you eventually, sooner or later, will be. That’s resting. Our world says, “Hey, you’re a leader. Move! Do! Achieve!” A lot of my videos, a lot of what I teach, a lot of my books, a lot of my courses online or offline are all about productivity, extreme performance, A-Player, being a Titan, changing the world. I believe all of that, but you know what? There are seasons to life, are there not? There are times to plant, and there are times to let the fields of your farm lay fallow. The wise farmer understands the time to plant, and the wise farmer understands the time to let those fields be fallow.
What if your time in the darkness of your wilderness away from the world was the season of your greatest growth? What if there are seasons that are meant for you to rest and to read the great books and to write in the journal and to take those long walks and to rethink your thinking and rewire your life? What if those times where you think, “I am wasting time,” and your emotional universe fills with guilt because you’re not doing and your schedule is not full and you actually feel like you’re wasting your life because you’re not this epic producer? What if those times were actually a different form of productivity? What if those times were actually being productive in a different way, where you’re actually producing, not in the world, but producing within yourself, producing strength, producing new insights, producing new ideas, producing new capabilities, producing new energies, producing new emotions, shifting from fear to love.
When you go through difficult times, what do you really do if you feel your fear and your pain? You release it. It’s out of your system, and you grow in love and bravery and strength. What does that do to your craft? What does that do to your power? What does that do to your bravery? What does that do to the light that you bring into the world? You become this incredible force that is undefeatable. The final and the fifth insight and tool, take the time to rest, because just what if that resting is the key to world-class producing. When you get out of the schism that you’re now in and you get back into your next season of world-class.
I hope I’ve been of service to you. I hope this session has been powerful to you. Please remember that you are built to shine. Great things are coming your way. You are not average. The darkness will pass. World class is coming, and you are meant to fly. I’ll talk to you soon.